i probably just overreacted.
three times in my life i've felt fear that consumed me:
1. my freshman year summer home from college. it was raining and i was driving with my youngest brother and cousins in the car after school. the car hydroplaned and i lost control momentarily.
2. the morning after the massacre at sandy hook elementary when i had to talk with my class of nine and ten year olds about how to follow directions and stay safe in the event of a mass shooting on our campus. i myself did not know all the answers to their questions.
3. when three charlotte-mecklenburg police department patrol cars stopped in front of my home sunday night for a reason still unknown to me.
i literally hid in my closet, in tears, talking to my mother on the phone and texting my closest friends. if something were to happen to me, i'd want them to know immediately that something was wrong. i sat behind a locked front door, a locked bedroom door, and a locked bathroom door inside my closet in shock. my twenty pound cairn next to me, offering the best sort of comfort that she could.
in 2016 i should not fear police. i understand that there are a select few with rotten intentions, and that it is more so the system than the individuals. but when i'm a 27 year-old-woman crying to her mother, i believe we have a problem. i did nothing wrong. in fact twice that day i was involved with getting medical assistance to an older gentleman who fell from his wheelchair off a curb and a terrified 18 year who broke his arm skateboarding who ran up to me and a friend. i was a good citizen that day.
and i feared that only friends and family would be able to tell my story during a eulogy. i should not be living in fear in my own home in 2016.
then again, maybe i just overreacted.